(5 self destructions //\/\\ the only option) [19 Aug 2005|05:01pm] [ mood | disappointed ] I wish I was somebody. I realized that I spend so much time taking on other peoples habits, their speech, their likes and dislikes, I don't even know what MY habits are anymore. I don't know how I would talk if not influenced. I have likes and dislikes, but intermingled with a million things I cant call my own, who knows? Do I even really LIKE my likes? Do I DISLIKE my dislikes? Who can tell? I am a coffin. Filled to the brim with the ideas and characteristics of other people, the only thing that is truly mine is my shell, my exterior. Everything else is a copy. I just don't know how to feel about that.

(1 self destruction //\/\\ the only option) [07 Jul 2005|11:55am] I went ahead and made us a tee-time for 3:30. Oh, no! I was going to ask you if I could spend the night at Molly's tonight. ..I'm rally not feeling amenable to you having any fun over the summer, and it's your own fault. ..What... I'm really still to upset to talk about this. I don't get why you're upset. I think you just don't want to believe I'm upset. No, I know you're mad at me. I just don't understand why. I didn't do anything wrong. You're going to be working, and what else this summer? If you think I'm just going to let you hang out and see your friends, you're wrong. Why? What else am I supposed to do? If you'd gone to summer school, you'd have your day filled up. I didn't need to GO to summr school. I'm just going to repeat chemistry; it's not a big deal. Yes it is! You just don't apply yourself, and then your grades show that!! I do too!! I was there every day of class, did ALL my homework, went to review. I just don't understand chemistry! Your expectations of me are way too high! I don't believe you went to any review. ..Are you kidding me? I can't talk about this any more. I'll be home later. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* I just..can't stand her anymore.

(the only option) [25 May 2005|05:37pm] Question: What do you do when your AP European History grade is a 6.6%? Answer: First, you feel kind of proud. Everyone you tell says, with awe in their tone, that they're never had a 6% before. How did you do that? You tell them you don't know, and chuckle. Then, after the thrill dies down, you start to ask yourself how that'll look on your report card. "87, 96, 88, 74, 6". Not too great. And after that pensive period, you're stomach starts to coil and uncoil. You can't stop thinking about how disappointed your parents will be; you'll be in summer school again. It eats away at you, digs at your organs until suddenly you adopt a "fuck it" attitude and find yourself uncaring. This worries you.

(the only option) [01 May 2005|07:16pm] Well, I'm feeling pretty pensive. Pensive enough to crank out a thoughtful and long entry in the angst journal, anyways, so here goes. No pity commetns please; I made this journal so that I wouldn't get them. -o-o- I always hate going over to Carolyn's house since we moved out. It feels so bare in there, because most of the furniture was ours so we took it with us. There are not enough chairs, anymore. Mom even left our old dining room table so they would have something to fill in the space, but it's not enough. They don't have anything anymore. Now, when we go over, it's awkward and horrible because Carolyn won't shut up about how difficult things are getting, and how she can barely support Anna, and how she'll be in debt forever. She can't pay off the house. She works 7 days a week, 8 to 5. All this stuff just trying to make me and mom feel really bad about moving. She does it on prupose. I do feel bad for her, see, but...this move was a good thing. I can't stand being around Carolyn. She is manipulative and blind to the truth about a lot of things, and she blames me for her problems, and all this other shit..it's easier to deal with now that we aren't in the same house but before it was cloying. I could hardly beathe. As far as Anna goes, we get along famously since we aren't together 24/7 anymore. More like friends now, even. But I have this fear, in the back of my mind, that Carolyn is going to try and turn Anna against me because of the move and everything and that's why I'm trying to show Anna everything that I can before she's brainwashed into thinking I'm the reason she can't ever have new clothes. The worst part about the whole thing is how Carolyn talks like this in front of Anna, like "--it's ironic that the move that helped you out so much put me in the worst financial position in my entire life" and "--I don't know how we're going to make it with tuition next semester--". It's like, don't talk like that in front of your daughter!! Stop it!! -o-o- School is killing me, again. I feel like I'm drowning in the amount of work I need to make up or do in the first place, but somehow I can't get up the motivation or drive to even do half of it. That's really all I have to say about that without depressing myself further. -o-o- I hate cutting myself. I really, really hate doing it. I hate hiding the bandages and I hate pretending like it doesn't hurt when people grab my wrists and I really, really, REALLY hate wearing lots of bracelets to hide it from my mom. It puts me on the egde, always on my guard, like Can they see it? Do you think they know? It makes me feel like a mental case or some unstable goofball when, really, I know I'm not. I'm just some stupid kid under too much pressure. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I have to go and be scene and cut myself with razorblades, then almost pee myself worrying about if anyone will see it. God I'm so retarded. -o-o- Mrrghh.

(the only option) [06 Apr 2005|05:03pm] Today I realized that I hate other people a lot more than I hate myself. I'm okay by myself. In fact, I am fabulous by myself. But having other people around, telling me things, making me wonder...how did I ever think I was fabulous? Seems like everyone is in the same general mood: depressed. I was thinking, today, about how I am sick to death of letting people take advantage of me. I mean, little things..but..they add up, and suddenly I'm feeling like I'm bled dry of any empathy or kindness and when people ask me to do stuff for them I just want to scream "NO! DO IT YOURSELF!". Stupid, inconsequential little actions that just build and build......this started when I looked over at my blank CDs and realized I had 3 left because I'm always burning CDs for other people. So, now that I want to make one for myself, I have 3 left. And sometimes people say things about me that I don't find particularly kind or funny, but I laugh along with everyone else as if it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it really doesn't. But, other times when I'm feeling upset or depressed and then someone says something that I'm sure was meant to be funny but really, really wasn't, all I can do is think to myself "How could they say that?" and chuckle quietly. I wish I wasn't such a doormat. I wish I had a job. I wish I was good at something. I wish I had an aquarium, because if wishes were fishes I'd have a lot of dead fish here.

(the only option) [06 Apr 2005|04:26pm] I am so fucking sick of people telling me I'm angsting for attention. I put up with all of your shit but you can't do the same for me, can you? Just too nice. Great. So I had to go and make a seperate lj just for fucking ANGST, because nobody wants to hear it.

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